Politics

So, every day the retard race for President of the United States of America is pushing its way into my life. From my atheist friends who are, as a rule, mostly liberal, to my well-intentioned conservative Catholic mother, I can't seem to get away from this shit. The fact that people don't understand why I don't worship (Obama|McCain) as the be-all and end-all of potential candidates only exacerbates my frustration.

I have decided to compile a list for you, my faithful non-extant readers, of my political positions. Because nobody seems like they hold all of these beliefs (the Libertarian party comes closest, but is still a bit off), I have decided to start the Lumberjack/Ninja party. With a majority vote of 1, I hereby nominate myself as the 2008 presidential candidate for the L/NP.

My platform is as follows:

Abortion: The right to decide who makes use of your bodily resources is inalienable. Since developing embryos are making use of your nutrients and immune system at your consent, you have the right to revoke that consent. Thus, abortions are to remain legal, safe, and available without the threat of violence and/or death looming over the heads of those poor women who seek them. However, I would be open to an amendment to pro-choice law that outlaws abortions after a certain point; waiting until a fetus is fairly well developed to abort it is, in my mind, akin to inviting your asshole brother-in-law into your house, and not having wit to kick him out before he pisses you off forces you to shoot him. Term limits on abortion are the only tricky part of the whole issue; early-stage abortions should, in my and the entire Lumberjack/Ninja community's mind, remain legal.

Gay Marriage: Why is this still an issue? A pair of consenting adults is a pair of consenting adults. I'd much prefer to see a child raised in a loving household with two parents, whether they be a homosexual couple or not, than by a single mom parent.

Gun Rights: It's right there in the Constitution, folks. You have the right to keep and bear arms. That means guns. All guns. I'd be open to the idea of an Assault (read: Automatic) weapons registry, but not an outright ban. While certain cities may have issues with gun-related violence, I posit that this a result of inner-city culture and not that of a piece of machinery designed to accelerate a chunk of metal at high velocities. If individual cities wish to ban the sale of certain classes of firearms, that is their prerogative... for now. However, it is useful to keep in mind that when you don't know who's packing, you are generally more reluctant to try and shoot somebody.

Men's Rights: You heard me. Men tend to get dicked in a lot of things, and only certain of those areas are amenable to legislative correction. As president, I would end Judicial and legislative discrimination against men, in areas such (but not limited to) the following: Child support/custody, incarceration rates, the draft, and Social Security. I'd also try to adjust the media bias of the "lovable but clueless" dad that permeates pretty much every family sitcom you could imagine. Additionally, I'd address men's health issues, because there is a prominent disparity in the amount of attention, money, and time spent addressing men as opposed to women in healthcare.

Health Care: I'd support legislation to provide for a state-controlled health insurance plan. Everybody would be automatically approved, and your rate would depend on your ability to pay and your expected burden to the insurance fund, with more weight given to the latter criterion. State-provided health care would come with the stipulation that you do what your doctor says you should do, or you don't get treatment. We're here to get you fixed, not to pray for some witchdoctor to cure your gout.

Energy: This is a big one. I'd support research into and implementation of alternative energy sources. These include, but are not limited to: (Thermo)Nuclear reactors, wind, solar, and geothermal. This is America goddamit, we have everything we need right under our feet (or over our heads, as the case may be). My plan would involve two major phases: Shifting our dependence off of foreign oil, and then shifting our dependence off of oil altogether.

The Environment: My energy policy would help to reduce our carbon output, potentially achieving a carbon-neutral society by the time all is said and done. In addition to that, and in accordance with my capitalistic philosophy, I would add a tax on "Environmental Services"- basically, you must pay to have all that shit you dump into the air/water/ground recycled by the environment, which has a finite capacity for chemical recycling. The environment is a resource; resources cost money. Thus, using the environment should cost money. This would provide incentive to streamline processes, making them both more energy efficient and more environmentally friendly.

Education: Back in the day, the United States was the world leader in science and engineering; we kicked ass. Unfortunately, due to the current sociopolitical climate and the pervasive idea that "Math is Harddd!!", we are viewed as a big dumb puppy by the rest of the world, with naught but our inertia maintaining us as the current world leader. We need to re-focus on what's really important: Science. Arts and Social studies obviously need to be taught, along with history. But here's the deal: the Humanities does not change nearly as quickly, nor require nearly the input for a desirable output, as do the real Sciences (in order of Awesomness, that is: Physics, Chemistry and Biololgy). History simply doesn't change. You are not reading this on a computer because some Liberal Arts major studied underwater basket-weaving; it's because people wanted to know how the universe works, and once they had that knowledge they took and used it to bend the universe to their will and make it do what they wanted. I would encourage the Arts, but not as part of a core primary-education curriculum. Any teacher that even mentions teaching Creationism Intelligent Design would be fired on sight.

Civil Liberties:: Unfortunately, we as a people have recently given up a significant number of our rights in order to feel safe from tewwowism. I do not feel comfortable with the fact that my laptop may be seized indefinitely at the border, my email read, or my telephone tapped without a warrant; neither should you. I will fix these things if it's the last thing I do.

Foreign Policy: We need to quit being the world's police department; while it is neither practical nor desirable to sever ties completely with the outside world, I believe that we as a country need to remove ourselves from the unpleasant situations we manage to find ourselves in and attempt to maintain a cordial relationship with everybody else. If we do feel compelled to write some remote wrong, then we move in like Ninjas (I have lots of experience in this area), kicking ass and taking names. We will replace governments if we see fit, but we will set them up to be truly independent. Free people make friendly countries. If countries like Iran still want to be douchebags and decide to push the envelope too far, we will turn them into a glass parking lot, simple as that.

The Joke War on Drugs: It's not working. At all. Here's an idea: consumption of any drug becomes a non-punishable offense; distribution of non habit-forming substances becomes a controlled industry, just like tobacco and alcohol. Distribution of "hard" drugs remains an offense. This way, your friendly neighborhood pot-smoking hippy doesn't get in trouble for doing something that's arguably less harmful than consuming alcohol, and he can make a little money on the side. Conversely, the asshole who tries to sell your children Methamphetamine will be tossed in jail for the rest of his life. Everybody is happy, and if they aren't, it's because they want the government to make their decisions for them, so they need a dose of unhappiness to make them understand the real world anyways.